In the beginning was the word, and the word was "That's life!"

In the beginning was the word, and the word was jerk and d#&@ and a@#hole, and the writers did not like being called such. Then came screenwriter Josh Olson with his encyclical "I Will Not Read Your F&$king Script." And the writers rejoiced. No longer would they feel guilt at refusing to read the latest draft of their Great Aunt Matilda's memoir of her life with three dozen Chihuahuas.

Then came further revelation with John Scalzi's "On The Asking of Favors From Established Writers." Much drinking to excess was witnessed among writers, happy to be freed from being thought a jerk by the unwashed wannabe masses. For the anointed, merely pointing toward Olson and Scalzi's great words washed away any sense of jerkiness. And a new day was proclaimed across all authorhood. And lo, it was good.

Except the nonwriters never received the word. And the authors went out and were still pestered by other people, who shamelessly offered such distracting comments and intrusions as:

  • "I don't care if you are a fiction writer! If you name another villain in your stories after someone in this office, you're fired!"
  • "This is the IRS. Would you mind coming down next week for a minor audit? We have some concerns about that book advance you forgot to list as income."
  • And the fearsome "Honey, can you cut the grass before I jam that keyboard up your nether regions"

And the authors went forth and rent the few hairs on their balding scalps, and screamed to the heavens, asking why the word had deserted them. And the word laughed and proclaimed, "It's nothing personal, but that's life. There are always going to be distractions, people you'd prefer not to deal with, and things you'd rather not do. If any of that bothers you, simply grow a spine and say no once in a while."

The authors nodded, seeing the wisdom of the word. And they asked, "Does this mean we're okay saying no when told to cut the grass?"

And the word shook its mighty head at the idiocy of authors. "Only if you're comfortable with a keyboard protruding from your nether regions."