How to kill a writing career

This afternoon while slaving away on the novel which will rocket me to the heights of literary superstardom -- maybe even to the level of Paris Hilton superstardom -- insight struck. I realized I was working way too hard at this writing gig. Instead of trying to succeed through hard work, talent, and dedication, there was a much better way to reach my fictional goals.

I simply needed to thin the writing herd.

Think about it. There are thousands of fiction writers and wanna-be authors in the world. As we all know, when one species overpopulates an ecosystem all creatures are at risk of starvation until the population stabilizes. So why not knock off the competition? This way the survivors -- and their fiction -- will naturally float to the top of an empty literary world.

With that in mind, here are some suggestions on how to destroy a writing career. Simply retitle these suggestions as positive advice -- such as "What every successful writer knows!" -- and send them to both budding writers and established pros. Budding writers won't realize the success you refer to is your own until AFTER their buds have been nipped, a la Barney Fife, while established pros are so cocky they won't recognize what's happening until they're knocking on heaven's remainder bin.

So do your part, and dump a little weed killer in the garden of literary delights by passing this "advice" to other fiction writers.

How to kill a writing career
Remember: Before sending this to a writer, retitle it in a positive way, such as "10 sure-fire ways to publishing success" or "What publishing insiders don't want you to know."

1. Heed the immortal writing advice of Allen Ginsberg: ''First thought, best thought." Revisions and rewriting should be left to those without the talent to be writers in the first place.
2. Proper spelling and grammar are traps to keep authors down. Dare to reach greatness by following your own linguistic path.
3. Only writers lacking vision worship coherent plots. So every time you sit down to write, mutter this simple chant: "James Joyce's Ulysses is a great novel. James Joyce's Ulysses is a great novel."
4. Write only what is popular and trendy. After all, if drunk and horny vampire biker chicks are the hot thing this year, imagine how much hotter they'll be when your book comes out three years from now.
5. Embrace adjectives. If one adjective is descriptive, why not five or six in a row?
6. Waste the readers' time. After all, if readers want to drink from the fountain of your literary greatness, it's up to them to pucker up and suck.
7. Write only when the muse moves you. Only bad writers force themselves to write every day. You answer only to your muse. And don't forget -- the muse loves to drink! Lots and lots of drink!
8. Guidelines are for writers afraid to push the boundaries. Not only defy every guideline you encounter, when submitting tell the editors you don't accept their limited ideas on what fiction they should publish. Be sure to also address submissions to "Dear Editor" to show these little people their proper place in the literary supernova that is you.
9. Continually act neurotic, paranoid, angry, annoyed, psychotic, or better yet, all of those at once. And remember, you can't be a great writer unless you are addicted to something obscure and weird. (Like wow man, that dried gnat excrement is nature's only truly righteous high!")
10. Flame wars are your friend. If you don't post a nasty repartee somewhere on the web at least once a day, how will you succeed as a writer? And be sure to engage in flame wars with other writers, editors, and literary agents. Nothing says you've arrived on the literary scene like a flame war!

Comments

[Daisy Whitney]

Hilarious! Love these non=tips!

[Madison Woods]

Thanks for the advice. I don't think I'll be reaching supernova status anytime soon, but thanks for the laugh :)

[Rhiannon Hart]

Oh hilarious! My green-eyed monster is presently sending this to all the writers I am jealous of.

[Andrew Jack]

My ony problem with this is if it works, I won't get to read all the stuff those writers would be putting out. Of course my origional plan of sending them all an enraged wild boar has the same problem...

[@jmartinlibrary]

You, my devious friend, are on to something. What about gerunds? Peppering every sentence in your masterpiece with two or three is a surefire way to snag the best agent, right? I think I'll use these tips with my workshop peers. Brilliant!

[Stephanie Denise Brown]

You made me laugh so hard that my side hurts now! Thank you. :)

[Donna Earnhardt]

Thinning the herd is genius. But you should know, I'm on to your insidious plot...

[Cherie Thibodeaux]

Cliches. Mixed metaphors. So much more important than grammar or spelling.

[Jason Sanford]

Cliches! My God, how did I forget to add in cliches? Cliches are great at killing a writing career, and should be forced onto the lips of every writer you want to bump off!

[Timkeetonwriter]

(Six months later...) Wow, you were right! Since I started following the steps you listed, I have had so much time to myself...

Thanks, Jason Sanford!

Oh, wait - you mean I was supposed to send those steps to others for them to follow? Oops.

[Dylan Fox]

Other writers are your enemies. You should avoid all and every contact with them. Your words are pure and you don't want them exposed to the polluting influence of others. Don't let anyone interfere with your unique voice!

Right, I'm off to Yahoo! Groups and I'm taking this list with me :)

[Naomi Johnson]

You've been reading Westlake's THE AX, haven't you?

[Anton Gully]

I dunno... I think at least three, maybe four of those tips are what separate great writers from the merely good. Your theoretical budding writer might inadvertently blossom into a literary darling/genius by mistake.

[RKCharron]

Hahahahaha

[Kristan]

LOL. Here via Bibliophile Stalker, and cracking up! Which is unfortunate, since I have a very cute boyfriend and puppy sleeping soundly next to me...

[Grumpy]

Not to rain on your parade (I embrace the gist of it and applaud you for this entry), but Joyce's Ulysses is indeed a great novel. It all depends if your goal is to try and enter the canon or the NYT bestseller list.

[Rachel Swirsky]

This is great, Jason. :)

[DuG]

Great stuff! I'll definitely make sure to apply all of these to my writings. I'll have the ladies melting in my arms in no time.

Thanks for saving me! ;-)

[AllyAnderson]

Thanks for the laugh Jason.

[Nick Mamatas]

Hmm, I engage in 1, 3, and 7 (not the drinking bit though) and some would say I engage in 10. I'm only an award-nominated writer published in four languages and just barely managed to parlay that into a full-time job editing my own imprint. What have I done wrong, Jason?!?

[Jason Sanford]

What haven't you done wrong, my son? Come. The confessional is open. Simply repent, say three hail Marys (as in Shelley, that is), and all your literary sins will be washed away in the booze we salute your wicked life with. :-)

[Luke Jackson]

My writing career is incontrovertible proof that these tips work!